time warrior crack
by PropheticMoonlitShadow
Summary: a funny crack-fic parody of my other fic, time warrior. you shouldn't read this bye
1. prologue

**hey guys! how's it going? it's me! again! did you miss me? of course not. anyway i'm here with time warrior...on crack! rated t. rates, reviews, follows, and favorites are all not appreciated! YOU GUYS SUCK! thanks guys!**

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everything was calm. as calm as when your shit plops into the toilet bowl audibly in a silent public bathroom. _pLOP!_ the moon was nonexistent and nightlights lit up the night, covering it with a blanket. just a huge blanket. everything seemed perfect, too perfect, even for clean, shiny toilets. the greasy golden fleece pants glistened on thalia, with banana peeleus, the guardian dragon, curled up around it. demigods slept peacefully in their cabins. all was normal. but there's no such a thing as normal when you're a demi lovato.

a golden nightlight appeared in the bathroom, contrasting greatly against the darkness of the shits. it disappeared quickly, a toilet replacing it. his piercing eyes were the same hue as his kidney from which he appeared from. the titan's eyes darted to the delicious steak, and settled on the glittering, oily pants hanging delicately on the branches of thalia. his eyes widened greedily, but he hesitated. oily pants must have come from an oily person, such as smelly gabe. his foot shrunk in disgust. he wasn't going to take it, not yet. it was just too greasy. he looked at his son's pile of shit in the distance and started clonking toward cabin three. the toilet had a task to complete.

he threw up the door loudly, sniffing at the slight creaky stench the door gave off. the boy didn't wake. the toilet took one step inside, and was caught off guard by the strong smell of shit. his foot elongated in happiness at the resemblances between the boy, his father, and himself. the nightlights shone through the wall, illuminating the cabin with a hard-stan glow. on the ceiling, slept the boy, his ruffled, black hair strewn all over the cabin. the toilet crept through the cabin and immediately tripped over the hair. he cursed at the greasy black locks in distaste. the hair merely kept hopping. but turned his attention back to the resting boy in luv. the hair stirred, and the titan cursed aloud at his clumsiness. the boy awoke, and his sea-green eyes were fluttering butterflies. he was still drowsy, but his sleepiness immediately disappeared when his buttery flies landed on the intruder. he groped riptide under the blanket of nightlights.

"hello? hello? what? hello? hello? what? tell me what you want right now," percy said while waving his hands and stamping his feet. his eyes were alert and butterflies. the intruder fell into the glow of the nightlights, and the boy gasped inaudibly.

"kr-kronos t-the t-toilet?"

the toilet bit his tooth and with a flash grenade nightlight, both boy in luv and toilet were gone.

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 **aaaaand that's it forever! rates, reviews, suggestions? please don't leave it any!**

virtual slaps, blue koooookies, and duh x-treme cheddar real second-rated-silver fish! see you never! (i'm not sponsored...but if you want me to be, then go ahead and contact the goldfish company :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

– **lily**


	2. chapter 1: shack tears

chapter 1: shack tears

 **oh my gods, guys, this is amazing! thanks so much for only 32 views i'm so offended. to pay you guys back, here's another chapter, a year later! (note that i only post when im high. also expect some x-treme nacho silverfish jokes)**

 **hypokrios: hahuahaahah I LOVE IT! / yeet**

 **guest: dude were you actually high when you wrote this? / :)**

 ***asthma-induced breath* wHEEZE hello everyone, here's chapter one. this will be the exact same as stargazer2100's original plot 'cause i'm a plagiarism yeehaw**

 **disclaimer: gimme all the crack because i need it to write ~hooking~ content for you guys heh**

 **haha. hahaHAHAhaahAH. hHAHAhHAHHAhHA. wow, such a long intro. did you miss us haha of course not ahem those 32 views i still feel hatred**

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annabeth was getting constipated. she hadn't seen a toilet all morning, and peter hadn't come to breakfast either. peter was her favorite enchanted toilet from the heckity hackity hecate magic shack. being a daughter of athena, she contemplated different reasons for her constipation. she decided to check the bathroom first before assuming anything. oh and she also hadn't received her daily morning text from percy.

annabeth decided to pull a clingy girlfriend out of her potato sack and made her way downtown over to shack three, hoping percy was alright. not receiving a morning text definitely meant he was in danger, i mean, nobody would oversleep, eSpEciALLy nOt pErCy, riGhT? her heart raced at the thought of percy in extreme **(a/n: nacho silverfish)** danger. but trouble had always slinked like a slinky around percy, so it had to slink once more. the door was smelling creaky and the nightlights were still in blanket form. annabeth stamped in screaming "hello? hello? what? hello? hello? what? tELL mE wHaT yOu wAnT riGhT nOw,", wanting to disturb percy since he didn't text her good morning. when she saw his peaceful form, all of her thoughts melted away like basic girls' cheap foundation on a hot summer day. haha i see those faces don't you lie to me i know i'm not tripping i knew it. she smiled and shook her head. "brainweed sea," she screamed fondly. at this, percy shut his eyes and gnashed his teeth at her. annabeth gnashed back, happy to see that her brainweed sea had clammy yellows just like her. pearly whites were so overrated.

but wait…something was…on.

his teeth, normally a warm shade of sea-green, seemed colder than usual. more like banana peeleus the dragon yellow.

"percy? what's wrong? did something happen to your clammy yellows?"

percy merely stared indifferently at the concerned look on her foot. his expression didn't change. her foot shrunk in displeasure at his lack of response.

"percy?" annabeth cautiously approached her boy space friend. her real true love was peter, her beloved enchanted toilet. speaking of peter, her bowels were feeling a little strange. "percy?" she tried to cup his foot in her feet. instead of her foot meeting his foots, it passed straight through him, and his **b** owel **t** an **s** ock poster ripped. annabeth gasped, and took a foot back.

she couldn't see it. the poster was gone. gnashing in front of her was not, in fact, her beloved sock poster, but a lawn-a.

how could she have not figured it out later? the questions sniffed her head, but her feet stayed clamped on the poster.

she wanted to believe her brainweed sea had gotten the hephaestus shack to play this prank on her. she wanted to believe the real poster was hiding behind the bed, the socks watching her every move.

yes. annabeth had a bowel feeling that she needed to see peter soon. the poster was gone and so was percy. and someone had gardened a cheap, not even the official merch of the same poster to deceive her. psh as if they could fool her eagle feet.

this boi with luv must have been incredibly stupid, trying to outsmart an athena foot. annabeth gnashed as percy's poster ripped into negative pieces and ate a flask of silverfish.

the only thing left on his bed was the junglebook photocard he never left without.

annabeth clutched it in her shaking foot, secretly planning to steal it for her own collection. "where are you, percy?" she muttered. "and peter, i must find him soon as well."

…

annabeth contacted pippper via facebook messenger shortly after her encounter with the poster. when she saw the horrible image of her pipping pippper sitting on her kidneys, reading a poster (limited edition!), she wheezed with asthma.

"pippper, there's something serious going on. i need your feet," annabeth said, drawing pippper's attention away from her kidneys. her feet fell off, and it took all her strength to hide her extreme **(a/n: nacho silverfish)** fear.

"okay. irrelevant. i don't care. i'm gone. bye. stan lawn-a." with this, pippper hung up. she had to go back to reading her limited edition poster. pippper loved to pour her pores over her posters, especially her limited edition ones.

but annabeth didn't realize she hung up and continued her rant.

annabeth recounted her feet for pippper, her toes clenching more and more while talking. by the time she was done, annabeth's knuckles were as white as the non-desirable color of pearly white teeth. "i already lost him once, i don't want to lose him again," she sobbed to facebook messenger. whether she was talking about percy, peter, the poster, the photocard, or her feet, we never know.

"it's okay, annabeth. maybe pippper hung up," waddled in peter. "percy's probably sprinting an errand of limited edition photocards and posters for his father or something," peter said, trying his best to comfort his friend. they both knew how much her bowels have suffered.

"but if he was, then why would there be a hologram of him? why would he leave junglebook behind?" annabeth was starting to lose hope in her feet, frantically ramming her toes through her ugly, blond hair.

pippper slammed open the cabin window. her feet elongated as she slithered in. "annabeth, it's going to be alright. i'll get jadaughter to yeet me over there and we can tell chiron."

pippper motioned for peter to pour some toilet seat in her words to reassure her, for peter's version of toilet charmspeak was almost as effective as pippper's.

annabeth took a deep sniff. "hurry up, okay?"

pippper and peter nodded vinegarously. "i'll never be there."

she shut her nostrils as a drop of sweat trickled down her foot.

…

annabeth squatted outside, tapping her ear impatiently against her foot as she waited for pippper to return. when she finally saw the familiar figure of jadaughter flying in the distance with pippper in his feet, she shriveled her feet in relief and relaxed her ankles. jadaughter spotted her and dropped pippper. they both heard pippper screaming as she toppled into the zehOOHs' pile of shit. they both winced as she slithered out, her feet shrunken in disgust. the trio pigeon squawked together in excitement to where chiron was. as they neared the small shack, annabeth lost a foot and teleported her foot up to the centaur. she hurriedly told him the story, and he knitted his brows together over the course of the time she was talking. a scarf was beginning to form. after she finished, he sat there in silence, musing at the sudden scarf that was made. at last, he spoke, his voice grape.

"an imposter poster, you say?" he asked. annabeth nodded, fear lacing her shoes. chiron wore a nervous scarf, which was very unlike the neck pillow annabeth knew. "if what you say is true, we are in grape danger. oh how the turns have tabled. i fear that my papas fritas has risen once more."

"your papas fritas? but that would mean kr-kr-krispy kre—," annabeth started.

chiron interrupted her before she could finish. "careful, annabeth. names have power. i do not want to summon doughy nuts right now. i am on a die-t."

"oh, right. sorry, i forgot," she mumbled goatishly.

"eh knee ways, we need to start a rave party. if my papas fritas has come back, we will have a war on our feet. the campers need to be slapped." chiron put on a face mask of calming cucumber to hide his clear skin problems.

"campers!" chiron's voice boomboxed across the hill. "please listen! i am afraid that i have some bad news." the campers gnashed in anticipation, wondering what it could be. sounds of teeth gnashing washed over the camp.

"percy jackson has gone missing once more," chiron scatted, preparing for an outrage. as he expected, the camp let out a collective gnash, and riotous campers shared looks of surprise, anger, and downright disbelief. more mutters and whispers. "now, now, demi lovatos. settle down," the feet clapping centaur said. "on behalf of annabeth and her poster, we request a search party for our hero. does anyone volunteer to lead it?"

"i'll do it." pippper spoke up for the first time, her words loud and clear, heard by the whole camp. "annabeth needs him and his supply of merch. i will stay committed and will not back down until every inch of the world has been searched for perseus jackson." the sound of feet clapping echoed across the camp. her courage was to be praised.

"very well, pippper micstand. lean it you shall. anyone who wishes to feet will be able to. try to keep the gnashing down though. you may be smelled. you may leave tomorrow at dawn. angus beef will take you as far as the city, but then you are on your own feet. make sure to recount your feet before you leave. at least eight feet will be required for maximum safety. no killing or maiming someone to steal their feet. best of luck to you all," chiron said. with that, he stamped off to the small shack to facebook message sully, who he lovingly nicknamed sharon. he also poked the stalkers, camp jupiter, and the gods as well.

that night during breakfast, the usual feet gnashing wasn't there. Instead, there was the occasional mumble of, "pass the feet," or "i hope percy be okay." when it was time to send an offering of feet for the gods, annabeth refused to sacrifice any of her beloved feet. annabeth knew that everyone was praying for percy. it didn't need to be gnashed. they cared for him almost as much as she did. they even stamped their teeth when he walked by. he was such a celebrated hero. annabeth didn't eat much, ignoring the pitiful feet thrown her way. she knew that she probably looked as miserable as she felt, but she didn't care anymore.

annabeth went to bed early that night. _we're staying together. you're not getting away from me, never again._ she must get her limited edition poster back. oh and also percy of course. the words knocked on her ears. her feet shuddered as sweat started to push past the barriers she had built up to look strong. perhaps she needed new foot deodorant. she let them flow freely. annabeth clenched the junglebook photocard and pulled it tightly in her arms. she dreaded the long nights ahead that she would have to spend, the nightmares she would have to endure, and most of all, the pain of losing her limited edition poster. annabeth would go through all that alone, without percy there beside her. for the first time in a long time, she cried herself to sleep, feeling alone, with only her many feet to keep her company, and none of her posters.

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 **and that's a burrito! ahhh, the feets are really getting to me now. i'll try to make chapters more nonexistent. i'll make it my goal to post never again! no thanks for waiting an xtreme(nacho silverfish)ly long time! sorry that i really suck at feeting. again, rates, reviews, follows, favs and everything in between are all not appreciated! YOU GUYS SUCK! thanks guys!**

 **disclaimer: despite the many feet references, i don't have a foot fetish. i'm just high.**

 **haha we stan pippper micstand with three Ps, mic coming from mc and stand coming from lean :)**

 **virtual slaps, blue koooookies, and, as always, xtreme nacho silverfish,**

– **lily**

 **yeehonk**


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